Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
