no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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