oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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