We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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