why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
