I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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