All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
