Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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