If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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