I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
