My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
