Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
