Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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