A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
The air was thick with penises
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
