Where did you get a picture of my penis
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
