Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
