new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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