You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
