i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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