Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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