im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
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