look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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