8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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