Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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