While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Just pee around me
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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