how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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