Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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