I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
