Tell her she can't have a vagina
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
And then he peed in my hair
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