It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
