She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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