I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
