Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
