Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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