sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 607 share tweet
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
