That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
