you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
