she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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