i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
