I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
