i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
