I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
