I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Everclear isn't food dammit
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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