This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
don't judge my taste in strippers
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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