Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
