Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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