Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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