addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
