Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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