I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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